Nerves & Confidence

There is a question that I saw floating around on a few other blogs and it provoked a lot of thought in me.

Would you say you are a more nervous rider or confident rider?

Would've been an easy question for this girl

When answering this question, I wish that the girl in the above picture could have answered this question.

Novice derby XC

The size of jumps did not get to me in the past. I remember walking a Novice course with Training jumps next to it, and thinking the Training jumps looked totally doable and more fun than the lame Novice jumps I was doing!

The old me would have answered this question with absolutely zero hesitation.

Confident.

Duh. 

I had very little fear. Once in a while, doing something for the first time, I would have a moment of hesitation, but it was never more than a moment, and it never stopped me. I would just plow through, and do whatever scared me, and guess what? I didn't die, and it was usually very fun. And then I would usually proceed to do it about 10 more times.

Not as impressive as Novice XC

Well now, at least half the time, I look at a 2'3" jump in our outdoor arena, and my heart speeds up at least double. I feel a crushing weight in my chest from the anxiety. I get butterflies made of steel in my stomach.

I hate to admit it. With every fiber in my being, I do not want to admit it. But I am a nervous rider. And I despise that.

At least I have a handsome horse

But upon a little bit more thought I realized this:

I may have been a more confident rider 2 years ago. I may have trusted speed more. Had no fear of the height of jumps. But there is one thing that keeps me going. That version of me also had not been injured. That version of me did not have to deal with PTSD. That version of me had a bold confidence that was obvious and clear to those around me. But this version of me has been hurt, and come back. This version of me has battled with PTSD, and conquered innumerable fears. This version of me has a quiet and subdued confidence. And that quiet and subdued confidence allows me to get back on my horse every single day.

I thought about quitting the sport earlier in 2016. I very seriously considered it. I had begun to think of plans and pricing for selling the things I owned. I was crushed and depressed. I couldn't ride the same and it killed me. 

Charmer said "ma cant quit, I too cute"

But that quiet confidence pushed me through. Coupled with the most patient and forgiving (however crazy) OTTB I have ever met.

More things scare me now than ever before. But now I conquer fears every single day. It may not be the confidence that I particularly want or enjoy. But it is confidence. At least I am a confident nervous rider. I hope to one day again be a truly confident, confident rider, but that is not in the cards right now. I have enough confidence in myself to work. To try. To continue. I have immeasurable fears of various things, but every single day, with that quiet confidence, I work to chip away a little bit at a time, at those fears.

So I guess that is my answer:

I am a confident nervous rider

And for now I am okay with that.