Approximately a year and a half ago, I broke my pelvis. I was at a horse show, riding a horse for a local lady. There were a lot of various mistakes made by several parties (myself included) and long story short, it ended up with the horse falling down at a warmup fence. She took the pole down and all would have been fine if she was more experienced, but she was too green. She lost her footing, I jumped off, and she ended up crashing down on top of me with her left shoulder on my left hip.
After being carted off in an ambulance, getting x-rays, and a whole lot of waiting, I found out I had broken my pelvis in two places. Luckily the breaks were fairly stable so I didn't need a full body cast or surgery, but it still meant I couldn't ride for a while. The fear, anger and depression that followed consumed me almost entirely. Even when I could walk and ride again, I was depressed and frustrated that I just couldn't ride the same - and maybe I never would. I was angry about the constant limp I had and the excessive pain that I was in. And I had absolutely crippling fear at the thought of getting hurt again.
I kept riding, going to shows, etc. to keep convincing myself that everything was fine - that I was fine. But the reality was that I was not. I honestly was horrified of cantering a crossrail. I didn't do it for probably at least 6 months. 3 strides out from a jump, I would just lock up and stop riding. If Charmer tossed his head oddly or took a canter stride even a centimeter larger than I wanted, I would panic.
There were so many days and nights where I would come home from the barn crying. My spirit was broken and I knew it. My confidence was gone. I was scared of everything.
Charmer did the best he could to keep his brain in his head and do what I was asking, even though I was never asking right. His athleticism and heart saved us multiple times when I was just sitting like a useless sack of potatoes.
I reached a point where I just knew I needed help from someone that knew more and that rides better than me.
We took a lesson with Trainer S, and most of the lesson consisted of lots of flailing and general "I'm done" attitude from Charmer. I don't blame him. He put up with my fear, frustration and poor riding for longer than I think any other green OTTB ever would have. Trainer S told me that I am a capable rider - provided I make a plan and ride proactively and don't just sit there like a useless sack of potatoes. Easier said than done. But I tried. And failed. My confidence just was not there and I couldn't make it grow back overnight. No matter how hard I tried.
I kept doing my best to force things. I figured if I just keep making myself go out, do things, ride more, etc. then it would all just work out and I would magically be the rider I used to be. Well as you can probably guess, that is not what happened. The result was usually me still locking up and not riding, and my poor horse somehow squirreling the both of us over the fence.
We spent a long time changing various tack - we got new saddles (dressage and jump), we got more bridles and bits than I care to admit and more. It had reached a point where I had a pony that was not thrilled with his setup, and a rider that was too scared to fix her riding. So the one thing I could do was try to fix the setup for him. We went from hackamores to Micklems to figure 8s, from french link bits to corkscrews to Mylers. Nothing made it better.
Then we found the magic bit. A Nunn Finer shaped cartwheel bit. Winning. Charmer was finally happy with his setup. Unfortunately for me, this meant I no longer had an excuse to blame our problems on. Now I just had to get myself under control and, you know, actually ride.
Our winter consisted of changing up some tack to fit me better (we got Charmer sorted out, so now I needed tack that worked for me too). And a whole lot of Jayne on the ground yelling at me to go forward. Use my leg. Look up. Ride. Those things. Utterly crazy, right? I mean that can't be right. Actually be proactive and not be a passenger? But because I generally think she kind of knows what she is talking about when it comes to pony things (shhh - don't tell her that) I decided to listen to her.
I was having to break tons of habits all at once. Looking up instead of looking down. Actually releasing instead of just freezing. Try to keep my leg under me instead of let them flop around uselessly. Folding in my hips instead of locking up and not moving. It was a lot to work on, and it still is, but it gave me a goal.
As soon as Trainer S was back in town, I set up a lesson. And much to everyone's surprise, me actually deciding to be proactive in my riding, and not being a immovable robot, actually made my horse do infinitely better. Wow, actually listening to all of those things that smart people told me, worked? Who knew.
In the second lesson, when asked to canter, I had a revelation. I asked him to canter, and did not seize up, I didn't immediately pull back on the reins, I just asked and allowed him to go forward. I wasn't scared, I wasn't afraid to die, I was having fun. Fun. This has been a word that has practically been out of my vocabulary for the last year and a half. I got up and I just smiled. I laughed. I was breathing and talking, not just shutting down. I think that was the moment that I realized how far my confidence battle has come.
Even when I had a little reality check in our third lesson, I still had the ability to ride a forward canter to jump. And jump things more than just a teeny crossrail. The war that I have been fighting with my own fear for the last year and half has been brutal, rough, and exhausting. But for the first time, I feel like I am starting to win that war. It seems like I am finally having more confidence back in my life than the fear. As much as I knew I missed feeling confident, I don't think I ever fully grasped how much. I have so much more joy, excitement and peace in my life now that I am finally confident again, doing the one thing that I have always loved.
I am not naive enough to think that "well now I am just magically confident again and I will never be afraid of anything again". I know that this is a battle that I will be fighting for years, if not the rest of my life. But the feeling of being able to fly with my best friend, with a big smile plastered on my face, is the thing that keeps me going.
After being carted off in an ambulance, getting x-rays, and a whole lot of waiting, I found out I had broken my pelvis in two places. Luckily the breaks were fairly stable so I didn't need a full body cast or surgery, but it still meant I couldn't ride for a while. The fear, anger and depression that followed consumed me almost entirely. Even when I could walk and ride again, I was depressed and frustrated that I just couldn't ride the same - and maybe I never would. I was angry about the constant limp I had and the excessive pain that I was in. And I had absolutely crippling fear at the thought of getting hurt again.
I kept riding, going to shows, etc. to keep convincing myself that everything was fine - that I was fine. But the reality was that I was not. I honestly was horrified of cantering a crossrail. I didn't do it for probably at least 6 months. 3 strides out from a jump, I would just lock up and stop riding. If Charmer tossed his head oddly or took a canter stride even a centimeter larger than I wanted, I would panic.
There were so many days and nights where I would come home from the barn crying. My spirit was broken and I knew it. My confidence was gone. I was scared of everything.
Charmer did the best he could to keep his brain in his head and do what I was asking, even though I was never asking right. His athleticism and heart saved us multiple times when I was just sitting like a useless sack of potatoes.
I reached a point where I just knew I needed help from someone that knew more and that rides better than me.
We took a lesson with Trainer S, and most of the lesson consisted of lots of flailing and general "I'm done" attitude from Charmer. I don't blame him. He put up with my fear, frustration and poor riding for longer than I think any other green OTTB ever would have. Trainer S told me that I am a capable rider - provided I make a plan and ride proactively and don't just sit there like a useless sack of potatoes. Easier said than done. But I tried. And failed. My confidence just was not there and I couldn't make it grow back overnight. No matter how hard I tried.
I kept doing my best to force things. I figured if I just keep making myself go out, do things, ride more, etc. then it would all just work out and I would magically be the rider I used to be. Well as you can probably guess, that is not what happened. The result was usually me still locking up and not riding, and my poor horse somehow squirreling the both of us over the fence.
We spent a long time changing various tack - we got new saddles (dressage and jump), we got more bridles and bits than I care to admit and more. It had reached a point where I had a pony that was not thrilled with his setup, and a rider that was too scared to fix her riding. So the one thing I could do was try to fix the setup for him. We went from hackamores to Micklems to figure 8s, from french link bits to corkscrews to Mylers. Nothing made it better.
Then we found the magic bit. A Nunn Finer shaped cartwheel bit. Winning. Charmer was finally happy with his setup. Unfortunately for me, this meant I no longer had an excuse to blame our problems on. Now I just had to get myself under control and, you know, actually ride.
Our winter consisted of changing up some tack to fit me better (we got Charmer sorted out, so now I needed tack that worked for me too). And a whole lot of Jayne on the ground yelling at me to go forward. Use my leg. Look up. Ride. Those things. Utterly crazy, right? I mean that can't be right. Actually be proactive and not be a passenger? But because I generally think she kind of knows what she is talking about when it comes to pony things (shhh - don't tell her that) I decided to listen to her.
I was having to break tons of habits all at once. Looking up instead of looking down. Actually releasing instead of just freezing. Try to keep my leg under me instead of let them flop around uselessly. Folding in my hips instead of locking up and not moving. It was a lot to work on, and it still is, but it gave me a goal.
As soon as Trainer S was back in town, I set up a lesson. And much to everyone's surprise, me actually deciding to be proactive in my riding, and not being a immovable robot, actually made my horse do infinitely better. Wow, actually listening to all of those things that smart people told me, worked? Who knew.
In the second lesson, when asked to canter, I had a revelation. I asked him to canter, and did not seize up, I didn't immediately pull back on the reins, I just asked and allowed him to go forward. I wasn't scared, I wasn't afraid to die, I was having fun. Fun. This has been a word that has practically been out of my vocabulary for the last year and a half. I got up and I just smiled. I laughed. I was breathing and talking, not just shutting down. I think that was the moment that I realized how far my confidence battle has come.
Even when I had a little reality check in our third lesson, I still had the ability to ride a forward canter to jump. And jump things more than just a teeny crossrail. The war that I have been fighting with my own fear for the last year and half has been brutal, rough, and exhausting. But for the first time, I feel like I am starting to win that war. It seems like I am finally having more confidence back in my life than the fear. As much as I knew I missed feeling confident, I don't think I ever fully grasped how much. I have so much more joy, excitement and peace in my life now that I am finally confident again, doing the one thing that I have always loved.
I am not naive enough to think that "well now I am just magically confident again and I will never be afraid of anything again". I know that this is a battle that I will be fighting for years, if not the rest of my life. But the feeling of being able to fly with my best friend, with a big smile plastered on my face, is the thing that keeps me going.
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| This feeling makes everything worth it |
Man I could have written this post. In fact, I HAVE written my own personal variation of it. Our reasons are different (for instance, I didn't suffer a catastrophic injury), but the outcome is basically the same. Confidence is a fickle beast and doesn't follow any known laws of logic and rationality. It's a delicate balance. But confidence issues CAN be overcome with time, patience, thoughtfulness, and support from the right ppl (and horses!). So awesome to hear that things are smoothing out in your ride now!!
ReplyDeleteConfidence is the hardest thing to struggle with. Never a linear process. Support from the right people and horses are definitely one thing that made a HUGE difference for me!
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